June was approaching and that meant AGCI would be receiving the new group of Special Needs children. As exciting as that sounded, Rose and I had been praying for and about a particular little boy on the website. He was seated atop a little yellow tiger rocking-horse type toy, clutching its ears, seemingly trying to hold on for his dear life. And he was dear. We were drawn to his innocence, to his huge (read: huge) brown eyes.
But while May was supposed to bring flowers, the anxiety and confusion nonetheless still stemmed from our episode with Li. We were uneasy in our ability to figure out God’s Will. It would be a lie to suggest we didn’t ask God and ourselves questions. What did we do wrong? Do we even know how to discern Your Will?
In that place in time we couldn’t find answers with any certainty. So to a degree we felt the need to wait for the June group of children; Tiffany and Kate of AGCI had never called us about this little boy – maybe they knew us better than we did? Mostly, though, we were longing for a sign from God. And somewhere in the mix this email was sent to my parents:
The head spins, the heart pounds. We would ask that you pray for our ability to discern God's Will for us. That is all.
It's at this moment that one finds clarity - and, dare it be said naively, a general ease in implementation – in a good portion of the Ten Commandments. Don't kill anyone? Sure, no problem. Oh, don't steal anything? Got it. Love our parents? That's easy – we've been blessed with the best.
And then there is Jesus and His perspective. First, to love God with all our heart, mind, and soul. That is not purely possible when swirling in worldly ways; and He knows our great failings there. Second, though, is to love thy neighbor as thyself. That shouldn't be hard, yet that is where help is needed, for right there rests our
child.Time and prayer will tell which neighbor we are to love so much that we fold him or her into our family. Forever.
To say the least, it was awkward possessing a desire to commit to this little boy and not taking action. I remember questioning our motives initially…were we waiting for a ‘better” child? I concluded a definite ‘no’ to that type of question. We hadn’t adopted yet, but we had been through enough to know it doesn’t work that way. And Rose and I don’t work that way.
Generally human beings do not set off to expose their hearts and souls to never before-seen depths, only to then take superficial action. We had always had the infant/toddler age in mind, and this young boy would turn three near the end of summer, making adjustment and attachment more complicated. In that context, though, we couldn’t shake Li; she certainly wasn’t an infant/toddler.
In hindsight with Li, we may have placed too much emphasis on “saving” or “rescuing” a child due to her age. When regrouping, Rose and I had to remember we did not enter adoption for some noble cause; we simply did so because God called us. Maybe, then, He called us to Li for a reason. Remember little Sunny, who moved my heart onto the path of Special Needs? We now thought Li was possibly sent just to push us off the picture of the perfect age.
All in all, and at that time, it is fair to say we merely determined that discernment was difficult.
In the Gospel of Luke Jesus tells of the disciples of the persistent widow (Lk 18: 1-8):
Then he told them a parable about the necessity for them to pray always without becoming weary. He said, “There was a judge in a certain town who neither feared God nor respected any human being. And a widow in that town used to come to him and say, ‘Render a just decision for me against my adversary.’ For a long time the judge was unwilling, but eventually he thought, ‘While it is true that I neither fear God nor respect any human being, because this widow keeps bothering me I shall deliver a just decision for her lest she finally come and strike me.’” The Lord said, “Pay attention to what the dishonest judge says. Will not God then secure the rights of his chosen ones who call out to him day and night? Will he be slow to answer them? I tell you, he will see to it that justice is done for them speedily. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”
We were praying, but was it being done always and without becoming weary? My prayers had changed, having added “Why are we waiting Lord?” to the already-present “Who Lord?” Maybe because we had made such a quick decision with Li, which – if we were honest with ourselves – was the wrong one and produced great angst, the Lord knew our weaknesses, and would attend to our needs and wants in the final throws. If we were making a Forever decision, we never wanted to question it.
Further, and probably more to the point, maybe God wanted to share with us the peace which comes from waiting for Him. If we had in fact accepted that God was in control of our journey, why then didn’t we trust Him to control our journey? Did we not believe He would see to it that justice is done? And could we not relinquish a tenuous sense of time if for but a second, and avoid defining the speediness of the journey for Him? Commitment to a child wasn’t the end anyway; it was the beginning.
We needed to remain faithful. So we let go as best we could.
As expected, this wasn’t easy at all. What we would discover over the next two months, however, was that God was about doing things in perfect and uncanny timing. In addition, we would be reminded that the God who knows the number of hairs on our heads (Lk 12:7) is indeed a personal God. And oh, how He ever is! He would slowly unfold details that were to a depth of care we could never have dreamed or conceived. God did it for our child, for us, for others, and, frankly it seems, for the sheer fun of it.
But we weren’t there yet.
On June 4th Tiffany sent out an email to the Special Needs distribution list sharing that they “received a wonderful gift this morning at the agency, a large DHL package from the CCAA containing 27 beautiful new special needs children for placement!!!!!” There were 14 girls, and 13 boys in it, ranging from seven months to eleven years old.
The families were essentially told (definitely in a nice way), “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” To be fair, the office would have a ton of work to do now translating, making copies, getting referral packets together, and getting all the children’s information into their computer system. As Kate once described it, “These kids show up and it is like we don’t have time to breath!” It would be up to two weeks before anyone really heard anything. To be sure, the wait would get to AGCI as well since, as Tiffany shared, they were “so excited to see if you will possibly be one of their forever families!”
I would still lapse into my unfaithful mindset. Any given day of the week, any hour of the day, a family could have called AGCI and inquired about our “Little Yellow-Tiger Boy,” as we now called him. It was crazy, foolish, and a bit scary. But was it? It was actually none of those if we believed through and through that God was going to personally place our child in our family. For if He was, and Little Yellow-Tiger Boy was not our son, then he would be taken anyway, like Li. But – BUT – if he was meant to be our son, God would be The One to put our child’s file “on hold” this time, and then help us move forward at the proper time. That is why we were excited when Kate called on June 15th with referrals. Rose and I felt this would provide the impetus for action, finally.
It was Friday, and it was hectic. Julia’s birthday was that day, and so she had her friends over for an assortment of fun and games, and cake and ice cream. I’m not sure she’s ever actually heard the famous song “It’s My Party” but, alas, she took the opportunity to cry – who knows if our dear wanted to, but not winning “Pin the Pentagon on the Soccer Ball” put her over the edge. Oy. Adding to the stress level, we also had Pre-Cana on the schedule. No, Rose and I were not preparing for marriage – we are the coordinators of our church’s marriage preparation program, and it was our team’s second night with 20-plus couples. The second night is highly emotionally charged, to say the least.
So we had a lot going on in our minds when Kate’s sweet voice came clearly across the communication lines. She had three children that fit our profile, which put more on our minds. There was a little girl, just shy of a year, with congenital heart disease; a second girl, this time four years old, with a cleft lip and cleft palate, repaired; and a little boy about 15 months old, also with a cleft lip and cleft palate.
We probably only talked for about ten minutes, but covered a lot of ground. Then Rose had to jump in the car and head up to church to prep for the evening. My job was to hang out at the house until Kate emailed the medicals and then head on up to church. It was a lot of running around for a serious period.
(Exhale)
The emails hit the Inbox one at a time, each with “Waiting Child” in the subject, followed by the child’s name. They were quickly printed and stapled separately; and I jumped in the car just as quickly.
It would be a 12 minute ride up to church, and Minute One I took a peek at the children. Oh, goodness, were they cute. The sweet girl with the heart condition was all bundled up in traditional Chinese garb; the four-year old had pony tails that galloped all over the place; and the boy, well, he had cheeks that rivaled mine from way back when – the kind that squirrels regularly had leading up to winter.
And yet all I could think about starting Minute Two was the boy whose medical report we didn’t have. Little Yellow-Tiger Boy. I called Kate from the car, but hit voicemail. I sent her an email via the Blackberry: Kate - We have a quick question (really). Can you call my cell? I’m sure Kate knew better than to think she could have a quick call with me. In many aspects of life I am not much of a talker. With adoption, I am.
She called anyway, bless her.
“Hi Kate – I promise this will be a short call! You always hear about people looking at a picture and knowing this is the child God is sending them. How often does that really happen?”
“Well, to be honest with you Demian, it’s about 50% of the time. I have families who just say, ‘Oh, this is the one God has in store for us.’ And then others just walk with the Lord.”
“Thank you Kate, that’s beautiful the way you said that.” I was thinking to myself, I like when both ways are blended. “So, what’s up with Little Yellow-Tiger Boy?”“What?”
It had been the first time we had ever brought him up to Kate or Tiffany.
“You, know, the two-year little boy on the website, sitting on the yellow tiger. He’s got big cheeks and is wearing that yellow jacket.”
“Oh, him, he is adorable, isn’t he? That little guy’s been up there for a while. He has a cleft lip and cleft palate. Let’s see, he…”
Kate proceeded to pull his file and give a little bit of his background. We hadn’t realized he had a cleft palate; it wasn’t up on the website. But at least now we knew. Either way, it felt so wonderful to listen to someone talk about him.
“What’s his name?” I asked.
“Dang Fu He.”
Dang? I said it in my head again. Huh. I wasn’t going to go into the whole story about my Aunt Mary, who I am forever grateful for setting me and Rosalie up on a blind date 12 years ago. The same Aunt Mary with the last name of Dang.
I promised the call would be short so we ended it about a minute later. Kate had asked if we wanted his medicals to review over the weekend. I declined, knowing already it wasn’t necessary.
The car pulled up to the back of the Portico building, and it was necessary to get my tail inside and see what was still needed for Pre-Cana set up. The food trays were well underway, and the sodas and water were already icing down. The tables and chairs were in need of some shifting around. Oh, stop with the distractions – where was Rose?! I found her in the foyer.
“Hi dear. I brought the printouts of the children.”
“Great. Once Tom and Teresa get their talk going let’s sit down and look over them.”
“I called Kate and asked her about Little Yellow-Tiger Boy. Guess what his name is.”
“What?”“Dang.”
Our eyes were frozen in the moment. I smiled. And I smile now, still able to see my dear wife pause, momentarily oblivious to the swirl of activity around her. And then – in a flash – it was Sunday evening. Two sessions of Pre-Cana completed; a team wrap-up meeting wrapped up; Church prayerfully concluded; dinner done; three stinkers sleeping.
It was only right to give respectful attention to the children we had information on, and to the overall process. This had started after Church, standing outside with the sunshine squinting our eyes. Our friends Sam and Jenny were gracious to take the time to talk to us and review the medicals. They are the parents of three beautiful children, and are both doctors; their insight was very helpful, particularly on the little girl with the heart condition.
That evening, we asked for the time of my Uncle Chi. He is amazing, first for being married to my Aunt Mary (who set Rose and me up!), and then for being an M.D. and PhD, holding a prestigious position at Johns Hopkins Medicine…all the while staying humble. And, yet, he didn’t get where he is today by being wishy-washy; Uncle Chi candidly shared that the girl would be a challenge to parent if she were our only child; then he reminded us we have three young children. That night, he was both an uncle and a doctor.
The sun came up…and we waited for it to do so in Oregon. It was directly overhead by the time we connected with Kate of AGCI. We let her know about all what we had done over the weekend, where we were in our discernment – and that we wanted Little Dang’s file. And for the first and only time we asked for a child’s file to be placed on hold.
Little Dang’s report came across and we took it all in. He was born August 24, 2004 and entered the orphanage at one week old on September 2nd. It was in Harbin City Children’s Welfare Institute in the Heilongjiang Province. He had bilateral cleft clip, both repaired: Surgery area healed nicely, with basically no scars. No change with cleft palate. Oh, and after napping, what does he do? He usually goes out for sunbathing with other kids, watch TV or play some games in his bed. What’s up with that?! The Seeley’s don’t even have a TV under the roof, let alone in the bedroom. Some adjustments would need to be made!
One thing that jumped out was Little Dang’s medical report was from October 28, 2005, making it nearly two years old. It also meant the three pictures sent were when he was 14 or so months old. It would have been nice to have updated information. Turns out, Kate said that AGCI had asked for the updates on him but never received anything from the CCAA.
Kate also shared something else interesting in email: “There is a family in China right now and in fact Tiffany got an email from them this morning. They tried to take some shots of this little boy but they were not allowed to do so in the orphanage.” The woman there apparently found him to be very sweet with a darling personality.
Wow. We had discovered that less than an armful of adoptions have been facilitated by AGCI through Heilongjiang Province, so it was amazing timing that a family was at the Harbin orphanage, at that very moment. But it was also amazingly confusing we couldn’t get an updated picture. I thought maybe the good lady could put her child in front of Little Dang and click away. Oh, well, she was in a foreign country and it was prudent to follow the directions of those in charge.
Tuesday came and brought us promise. We would be taking Little Dang and the other boy to the pediatrician to review the files. There was a faint feeling of guilt here, since we felt the 15-month old was somehow “losing a day” of having other families consider him for adoption. This faded, since frankly he was entirely too cute not to catch the eye and halt the heart of a family; plus he was just 15-months, a perfect age.
It was a quick 20-minute ride over to Dr. Gonzales office in Eldersburg, and we arrived around 8:30am. One nice thing is that because it was a consultation, he met with us right away since patients were not being seen at that early hour. Julia and Ben played in the waiting area and Elizabeth hung out with us and the good doctor.
What a challenge it must be to make assessments on just a few pictures and dated medical reports. There was nothing in the files, however, that would raise a flag. We really ended up talking about the schedule to follow after we brought our son home – the evaluation, the immunizations, the visits, the interdisciplinary teaming between a variety of doctors and therapists. And then just like that, we gathered the kiddos and headed back home.
The excitement was building up. We had learned from our previously hastiness, and knew this was a monumental decision that needed to be savored. While only the future lay ahead, the past was now clear as it flashed before us – the conversations, the encounters, the contract, the crying, the paperwork, the prayer.
We entered the adoption process with all kinds of thoughts and pictures. Recall the “healthy” child. Recall the “infant, under 18 months old” child. It’s not easy to move out and off of yourself, toward God. You pathetically search for an equation from way-back-when math class, to plug a given child and all the myriad life-variables into, hoping the answer pops out. But it doesn’t work that way.
It is so appropriate and so beautiful that God sent us children to help us find our child. He sent Julia, Benjamin, and Elizabeth to show the love that children bring into the home; He sent Liam to get us moving; He sent Sunny to open my heart to Special Needs; and He sent Li to mature Rose’s thoughts about age. Each prepared us for the decision God wanted us to make.
Our path to this point had not been long compared to other families; however, it had been just long enough, for us and for God:
The Lord is not deaf to the wail of the orphan, nor to the widow when she pours out her complaint. The one who serves God willingly is heard; his petition reaches the heavens. The prayer of the lowly pierces the clouds; it does not rest till it reaches its goal, nor will it withdraw till the Most High responds, judges justly and affirms the right, and the Lord will not delay. (Sir 35: 14, 16-19a)
It was June 19th and we were to walk in faith; for in the beginning and the end that is all one has. We were elated on that warm day. Rose was sitting in the threshold of the back door of the garage, watching our children play in the yard. I was standing above her, looking down into her eyes when we formally said “yes” to the Lord and Dang Fu He, our Little Yellow-Tiger Boy. The clarity of the moment gracefully paralleled our engagement from ten years prior; only our physical positions were exchanged this time. Both moments were absolute.
We sent an email to our adoption partner Kate with the subject line Commitment to Love; inside was a request for her to give us call that day, as we had prayerfully come to a decision. It was 3:05pm when the phone rang. I was working in the office; Rose was outside with the Julia, Ben, and Elizabeth by their kiddie pool. Walking outside, I handed the extra phone to Rose. We chatted for about two minutes on how the sky was bright, blue, and beautiful; finally, there was a pause, and the polite small talk was interrupted with life-altering words from Rose: “Well, we found a home for this little guy.”
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